[00:00] People say money can’t buy happiness. I disagree to a point, you know, money can certainly buy these experiences you can have with people who you have relationships with, like your family and close people that you can go have these epic adventures and experiences like that is really awesome to me. It doesn’t always cost money, but those things don’t provide happiness to anywhere, anywhere close.

[00:21] It’s a level of relationships, of connecting, of not being the lone wolf, chase relationships, chase connection.

[00:33] Welcome to another episode of Success for the Athletic Minded Man. Real talk on harnessing your athletic drive for clarity, consistency, and focus in business and life. This is your host, Jim Harsha Jr. And today we’re talking about the lone wolf syndrome, the hidden costs of male independence and what you can actually do about it.

[00:53] Right. And maybe this is for you specifically, uh, probably at some level, because you’re listening to this, you’re probably a guy with some kind of athletic background, man. We tend to feel like we need to go to loan. And don’t necessarily connect as well as we could with other men. And there are real costs to that real cost of that financial costs, relational costs, health costs.

[01:13] I’m going to go into some of the statistics. You can be blown away by some of this stuff that I dug up, but maybe also there’s somebody else in your life. Maybe it’s a close friend. Maybe it’s a family member. Who, you know, is just isolated, kind of totally gone overboard with keeping their emotions in and stoicism, which stoicism is great, but can be misinterpreted to mean like, don’t show any emotion, right?

[01:37] Bottle it all up and pretend everything’s okay. And we’re going to talk about that too. And so maybe this is for you. Maybe this is for somebody else. And you’re like, probably a little bit of both. Both. And so please forward this to anybody you think this, this might be beneficial for, right? It’s not, not an accusation of like, Hey, get your stuff together.

[01:53] It’s simply like, Hey, this might be helpful for you. This, it was really helpful for me. Cause I really ought to be honest. I’m looking in the mirror when I’m reading a lot of this stuff and going, okay, this is stuff I really need to internalize as well. And interestingly, this morning, I wanted to go into a workout downtown Charlottesville.

[02:11] It’s about 20 minute drive from my house and work out with a bunch of guys who I don’t typically work out with. And I chose to sleep in over it. I slept in and I woke up at, so woke up at five 25 and worked out with six other guys, right. The, who I see pretty consistently, we did a Murph and then we sit around and had coffee afterwards for about 15 minutes.

[02:30] It was great. But. It would have been nice to actually go and connect with some new guys and some different guys and sort of reconnect. And I didn’t take my own medicine. So this is absolutely me looking in the mirror, knowing that I have room to grow here. So don’t think I’m standing on a pedestal saying, live like me, I’m doing it all right.

[02:48] This is stuff that I really work on. I literally have goals and micro goals around these things that I’m talking to you about today. So I have a plan in place to work on this, to keep me in check, to keep me improving in these areas. But let me share with you a few things. So. Kind of an overview of what we’re, we’re talking about in this episode.

[03:05] I’m going to give you some statistics and figures first. I’m going to share with you why this is important, why this topic is important and like why this is actually a thing, why this topic actually exists. And it’s something to be concerned about. And then the costs I’m going to share with you some of the actual costs, like real costs based on some fascinating research that I dug up.

[03:24] And then I’m going to give you some action items on how not to deal with this or for the friend or family member, how to help, help them. Overcome this and get healthier and improve their career, improve their finances, improve relationships. All of this that comes from all the benefits that come from really dealing with this head on.

[03:40] So let me first share with you a little bit about this in some statistics and facts that I found. This one was pretty stark. The first one, men are nearly four times more likely than women to die by suicide in the United States. This comes directly from the American foundation for suicide prevention.

[03:55] Men are nearly four times more likely than women. To die by suicide. This is a challenge that is unique to men. Now women have their own challenge. I’m not saying, you know, men are broken and women got it all figured out. I’m just saying, Hey, listen, there, there are different challenges. Uh, men and women are different.

[04:10] That’s why I really focus on coaching men. We do have women in our program, but, um, it’s really focused on designed around men and I think just men are attracted to sort of what I coach and my background and, and kind of how we bring this community together. That’s pretty stark. Here’s the second statistic I want to share with you.

[04:26] This is from the American Psychological Association. Social isolation significantly increases the person’s risk of premature death from all causes. They say that this rivals smoking, obesity, being physically inactive, all causes social isolation, not connecting, not having strong relationships and connections.

[04:47] Significantly increases a person’s risk of premature death from every cause, right? So basically you look at every cause of death. This exacerbates it. Isolation exacerbates every single one of those. And here’s a statistic that kind of backs that up. And this one’s from the heart, lung, and blood Institute loneliness and social isolation are associated with a 29 percent increased risk of heart disease, 29 percent increased risk of heart disease, 32 percent increased risk of stroke.

[05:12] I mean, these are real. Real health issues, right? You can drink all the protein shakes you want. You can do all the pushups you want. If you’re socially isolated, you’re not connecting. You still have these other issues going on. Do you still have these other compounding factors? You want to be healthy. You want to be fit.

[05:30] You want to have a great marriage. You want to make a lot more money. Connect. Connect with other men, connect with other people, reach out, be vulnerable, share what you’re feeling. I’m going to go into some of these other, you know, talking about career and finances and relationships. I’m going to talk more about that as we go on here.

[05:46] Here’s the last statistic I want to share with you. Men who conform to the traditional masculine norms, like I mentioned, like emotional stoicism, kind of taken to. Too far, too literally, they’re significantly less likely to seek help for psychological distress, right? Hence the four times more likely to commit suicide.

[06:04] No, this can negatively affect your relationships and overall just happiness in life. And this comes from the journal of counseling psychology. And by the way, like I said, this is all me by default. Like I have to put things in place to make sure that I don’t fall into these traps. I literally have goals around this.

[06:21] I might be a little bit more wired like this just because I was a wrestler and wrestling is this individual sport, certainly a team sport, but very individualized. And it’s kind of all up to me. And it’s like, okay, I’m going to go do what I got to do. And you know, Forget everybody else. Like I got to focus on me.

[06:36] And, and, and so really didn’t have that team component focus when I was competing. I know the, the Virginia university, Virginia wrestling team right now, it’s like totally different. They’re so bought into the team component and guys are just sort of sacrificing for others. And it’s just much more team, but I didn’t really have that experience, um, as a wrestler.

[06:54] Okay. So I talked a little bit about some of these statistics. Let’s talk about why this is actually a thing. Why this lone wolf syndrome causes issues. Like, where does it even come from? Well, it comes from these traditional masculine norms that we have. And you know, them, you’ve seen these out in the world, you know, self reliance, stoicism, emotional restraint, you know, men don’t cry.

[07:18] This was like my dad to a T is, is my dad to a T. I mean, just self reliant, tough. I mean, just the toughest dude you ever met. You know, I think so emotional. I mean, doesn’t share, you know, I mean, it’s just, he keeps that stuff in and, and that’s my model, right? And that for us as is the model for a lot of us.

[07:39] And whenever I have my free clarity calls, and if you haven’t taken me up on that, by, by all means, you can jump on a call, a free one on one coaching call with me. And these conversations I have, they’re like no other conversation these guys have had before. They literally have never had this conversation before.

[07:56] I don’t blame them. I really don’t have this conversation outside of, you know, coaching and counseling sessions that I’ve done. As well, you know, a lot of times I’ll go hang out with my one buddy and we’ll watch wrestling or we’ll watch football for a couple hours together. And then the wives will hang up, hang out together at the same time.

[08:13] And then we’ll, my wife and I will get in the car and we’ll drive home. They’ll be like, what’d you guys talk about? I’m like, well, uh, we talked about wrestling and football and shit. And then she’ll like, did she tell you that he tell you this? Did he tell you that’s going on? I’m like, no, we just, we didn’t go anywhere below the surface, you know?

[08:27] And, you know, I’m hosting a retreat with my clients in May. I do it every May. And man, this is a place where we all go deeper. This is one of those times where we can get intimate and share things that are hard and tough and scary and come out stronger, more resilient, more locked in, more disciplined, more focused to attack the world and, and attack our goals.

[08:49] You have to create times and places where you can do that. And that’s what I do for my clients. And I’m grateful to be able to provide that and actually get that as well. And in my experience, we’re leading this community. Another reason where this comes from, before we talk about the costs and what you can do, uh, another place where this lone wolf syndrome comes from is, is men.

[09:09] We fear vulnerability, right? It conflicts with the societal norms and expectations of strength and composure. And therefore we don’t get vulnerable. I challenge you to think about it this way. You ever see a dude who you really respect, share something deep, maybe even get choked up or cry and share something that’s, you know, share feelings and share how he, you know, struggles next time you hear that.

[09:36] Next time you see that. Pay attention to how you feel about that person afterwards. Do you respect them more or less? Most likely it’s more. We respect them more because they’ve shared this. And I’ve noticed this, or I really try to pay attention. I talk about this stuff. So I, it’s really more top of mind for me than the typical man.

[09:56] But I noticed this when guys who I respect share something deep and emotional. My respect for them goes up, not down, right? When they are vulnerable, my respect for them increases. And the last point that I want to make here is, is this men often feel pressure to prioritize their work and their financial responsibilities over their personal needs or over their emotional needs.

[10:20] We feel that pressure. Um, maybe this is not all men and maybe this is a little bit of a traditional view, but it certainly is, but we feel pressure. We feel pressure to prioritize work, to be the breadwinner. Oftentimes, not always, we feel these financial responsibilities and women have these pressures too, right?

[10:37] They’re just oftentimes different, right? To be super mom and super wife and career woman and have it all together and have their makeup on and their hair done and everything’s with a smile and kids are perfect and it’s just not what life is as a parent. And so as men, we feel these unique pressures.

[10:52] And therefore I want to switch into the costs. I want to talk now about costs of this before we get into what you can do about it. I talked about some of the costs already, right? The health costs, like about 30 percent increased chance of risk of heart disease and risk of stroke. And, you know, I talked about men are four times more likely to commit suicide.

[11:13] The CDC and NIH, you can look up this data, uh, 80%, about 80 percent of suicides. Our men, how crazy is that? 80 percent of suicides are men. There was a study done at Harvard. You may have heard of this before. It’s, it’s called the Harvard grant study. It’s officially called the Harvard study of adult development.

[11:31] Now this is started in 1939. It’s like they took sophomores at Harvard from 1939 to 1944. They took 268 guys who were sophomores. In that age range, actually John F. Kennedy was one of them. And they later expanded that group to about 450 or so Boston inner city residents, and then they continued this with, and it’s still going on today.

[11:57] They continued this with about 1300 of their children and on and on. So this study continues to go on now and it’s fascinating. The takeaways from this are fascinating. It provides these insights into different factors that contribute most significantly To human wellbeing in successfully aging and getting old.

[12:17] And this is interesting. The most significant finding of this study. Is that close relationships, not lone wolf, close relationships, more than money or more than fame are what keep people happy. Close relationships, not money, not fame, not those other things that you’re chasing close relationships. You want to be happy?

[12:40] Yeah. I know people say money can’t buy happiness. I disagree to a point, you know, money can certainly buy these experiences. You can have with people who you have relationships with, like your family and close people that you can go have these Epic adventures and experiences like that is really awesome to me.

[12:52] It doesn’t always cost money, but those things don’t provide happiness. To anywhere, anywhere close to the level of relationships of connecting, of not being the lone wolf chase relationships, chase connection. Quick interruption. If you like what you’re hearing here and you want to learn how you can implement this in your life.

[13:14] Into your life, just go to Jim Harsha, jr. com slash apply to see how you can get a free one on one coaching session with me. That’s Jim Harsha, jr. com slash apply. Now back to the show. In the study also found men and women who were most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were healthiest at age 80.

[13:38] Isn’t that crazy? The connections that you have, the strength of your relationships, the satisfaction that you have in your connections, in your relationships, when you’re 50 years old, were correlated to your health at age 80. And it’s not just having relationships. It’s the quality of those relationships.

[13:53] You have to work on those relationships. You have to reach out to people, connect with people, express love and be vulnerable to those people. Now you’re thinking, okay, that’s all well and good, Jim. But, but what about money? What about money? Well, the grant study actually shows going in alone. The lone wolf actually costs you financially men with stronger relationships tend to earn more money.

[14:18] Get that men with strong relationships tend to earn more money. There’s a great book by Harvey McKay called dig your well before you’re thirsty. Dig your well before you’re thirsty. It’s essentially like build relationships, networking, connections, do all of that before you need to make that job or career transition.

[14:39] Dig your well before you’re thirsty, build your network, build connections, build relationships before you need them. Relationships, connection leads to career and financial success. And shoot on the other side, I’ll, I’ll say it this way too. Like, like I live in a neighborhood, never thought I’d live in a development.

[14:57] I’m a country boy, grew up on 10 acres and we had hundreds of acres of forests and farmlands all around us and rode four wheelers and went hunting on our property, all of that. Like I’m a country boy, never thought I’d live in a development. We live in a development right now. And the great thing about it is I’m connected with all these dudes and people who live all around us.

[15:15] And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to borrow a tool or get help from guys. To do things in my house that I didn’t have to, didn’t have to go buy the tool. Didn’t have to hire somebody. I just have buddies all around who can help. Like there’s value in community and connections in relationship and there’s financial.

[15:35] You know, if you need to see that in it, there’s a financial return on it as well. All right. So let’s get into the last portion of the conversation here. Today’s, how do you not do this? Right? How do you not get stuck in the lone wolf syndrome? How do you maybe help others right now? We know why, how do you be intentional about making sure you don’t fall prey to the lone wolf syndrome?

[15:56] Well, I’ve talked in the past about F3, this amazing men’s workout group. I’m a part of actually interviewed. The co founder of F3 dread is his nickname. Dave Redding back in episode number 275. And so we’ll have that link in the action plan and in the email, the Monday morning email that we always send out for these episodes.

[16:16] So if you’re not on the email list, I send out the action plan every Monday morning with the link to this podcast, as well as other links that are relevant for you from the podcast. But the other thing we’re going to include in there is a four minute video explaining the concept that we call the SAD podcast.

[16:31] Clown syndrome, sad con syndrome comes from. If you remember the TV show, Sopranos, the Sopranos, Tony was seeing his therapist and he essentially said, I guess I’m a sad clown and basically saying, you know, on the inside, I’m sad, but on the outside, I’ve got this face on, I’ve got to be happy for everybody else.

[16:51] So there’s this concept of the sad clown syndrome. Which F3 fitness fellowship and faith. It’s as you can learn more about F3. If you just Google it or go, go to that episode 275, you’ll learn about it. It’s an amazing, amazing organization. I’m actually on the national board for the foundation advisory council, uh, chair of the advisory council for the F3 foundation.

[17:11] It’s an amazing organization. And this is the bunch of guys who I had coffee with and worked out with this morning. That was an F3 group. But the goal of F3, one of them sort of. Goals or missions is to cure sad clown syndrome. And it’s to help men who kind of say, yeah, how are you doing? Yeah, everything’s fine.

[17:28] Everything’s good. Everything’s great. You know, I got a job and I’m still married or whatever the case might be, but it’s like, they know inside there’s more, they’re missing something in this organization really helps sort of unlock men and bring fulfillment and satisfaction. Now, my coaching program also provides this in a different way.

[17:47] For men. And again, there’s some women in the program as well, but it provides connection, it provides relationship. And these guys are sharing stuff that they’re not sharing with, you know, their football watching buddies. There’s deeper connection going on. Even virtually, like we have this online platform, this brand new online platform.

[18:04] It’s amazing. We’re connecting on these group coaching calls, one on one coaching calls in person at the retreat. And you, so you have to find these things, right? For me, I’m setting micro goals around this. I’m setting micro goals around connecting with other men primarily. Right. With other people, networking, that kind of thing.

[18:23] You know, one of my micro goals actually is to, to have coffee with a certain number of people every month. And it’s different every month and different people that I want to reach out to have coffee with connect with some of them. It’s like business networking. Some of it’s just like. People I like to be around, right?

[18:35] Who just raised the bar, raised the standard when I’m around them. The bar is just higher, right? When I trained at the Olympic training center, we’re on world class athletes. The bar is just higher just by breathing the same air and being in the same physical spaces, these world class athletes, the bar just got raised.

[18:51] Well, it’s the same thing in my life, right? I got to make sure I’m bringing those people into my life. I’m finding ways to help them and serve them and also to be around them. So. Setting specific micro goals is critical for you. Also join a group, like find a group, whether it’s a men’s workout group, like F3 or start some kind of group, find a roundup, a couple of guys, buddies in the neighborhood and say, Hey, let’s go to the gym every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, or whatever it might be like, you know, let’s work out once a week.

[19:17] You know, let’s go for a run on Saturday mornings, like whatever it might be like figured out, connect, find ways to not be a lone wolf. And, you know, this can be business networking. This can be fitness, however, that looks for you connect with groups of men. You can find a higher counselor or a therapist. I just re engage with a counselor I worked with in the past.

[19:37] And this was really for some parenting stuff and kids stuff in the past and years ago. But I’m like, man. I want to make sure I’m being the best father that I can be. And so I’m having these great conversations now with this therapist and not because there’s anything, I feel like I’m doing anything wrong or anything, but I just like, I know I can up my game and my goodness.

[19:57] There are a few things more important. You know, maybe my faith and my relationship with my wife, there are a few things more important than my relationship and with my kids and how I’m doing as a father. And so I just like, I just want to make sure I’m doing this right. So I had these conversations with this therapist now that are just awesome.

[20:14] Just, you know, pulling back the curtain on who I am, how I operate. And, you know, my goal is to be even better. How can you be even better? Who can you bring into your life? You can have meaningful conversations with. We’ve got a marriage therapist. Again, we’ve got a great relationship. We’ve got a marriage therapist.

[20:33] I’ve got what I call her like a parent coach, right? I’ve got this parent coach. I’ve got a business coach. Uh, I’m in a mastermind. I’ve got a group of men who I work out with. I’ve got all these, these people around me that just, you know, Lift me up, right? Help me share things that need to be shared. Help me learn and continue to grow in every facet of my life.

[20:52] Like I recorded another podcast episode about building your team, like having a team of people around you. And that was back in episode two 83, 283. So check that out. That one talks about really, you know, bringing the right people into your life so that you can max out your potential in every area. So these are some action items for you.

[21:11] Now you’re saying maybe it’s not me. Right? Maybe it’s not you. Maybe it’s a friend. Maybe it’s a family member. We’ll reach out to them. And then here’s the deal. Keep trying. Keep reaching out. I can’t tell you how many guys in my workout group and my F3 group who I’ve just texted over the years when they disappear for a month or something on us.

[21:27] I say, Hey man, we miss you. Like, where are you? We’re looking, can’t wait till you come back. Like we need you. Like we need you. We’re better with you. And, uh, and they always appreciate it. They always appreciate it. So reach out, pull guys into your circle, find ways to connect, figure out what’s interesting to them, connect with them where they’re at.

[21:44] And then also maybe get others to reach out, right? Find ways to connect with that guy. Who’s the sad clown who has the lone wolf syndrome. Maybe he’s crushing it, right? Maybe he’s got the, the Maserati parked in the driveway and, and they go on these lavish vacations. I don’t care. Reach out to him. He’ll be better connected and you’ll be better connected.

[22:05] Connected, bringing that guy into the group. All right. So these are some action items for you. I guess I give this a share. If you’re not subscribed on YouTube, please give a subscribe over there on YouTube, make some comments on the videos that helps the algorithm really show the video to more people and helps us find helps me, you know, get in front of more people.

[22:24] So I appreciate that in advance. Thank you for listening. Don’t just listen and move on. Take action from this. Good luck.

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