[00:00] What are you actually saying no for? Where can you get the courage to say no? Well, whenever you have a clear vision and the underlying core values clarified, now you can have the courage to say no, because there’s no fear of missing out. The FOMO goes away. And you know, that saying no is so important because now I can say yes.

[00:23] This frees me up to saying yes to other things. Welcome to another episode of Success for the Athletic Minded Man. Real talk on harnessing your athletic drive for clarity, consistency, and focus in business and life. This is your host, Jim Harsha Jr. And today I’m bringing you another solo episode. We’re talking about the art of saying no, setting boundaries for success.

[00:49] Insanity. You know that you’re hustling all day long. You’re getting a lot of things done. So many of us feel like we’re going a hundred miles an hour all day long and we get a hundred things done, but at the end of the day, we’re like, man, did I even really move the needle in the direction that I wanted to move the needle and to make progress in my life, to get from where I’m at to where I really want to go in life and this episode is about saying no, saying no to the wrong thing so that you can say yes.

[01:19] To the right things. And as I was doing my research for this episode, my research and preparation, I came across a Ryan holiday quote. And for, if you don’t know who Ryan holiday is, he’s an author written a bunch of great books. Ego is the enemy and obstacle is the way he also writes the daily stoic. But he has a, a tweet recently.

[01:40] It was seven keys to a productive life in key. Number four is say no. Say no a lot, and it’s easy for you to maybe start thinking, well, I don’t want to say no to everything because there’s opportunities. I don’t want to say no to challenges and taking on new things are going to help me grow and develop as a person.

[02:05] We’re not saying that we should say no to everything. We’re saying, what are the right things to say no to? And how do we go about it? Like what’s the actual language that we might use when saying no. To a person, especially your boss. And we’re going to talk about that. How do you say no to when you’re going, your boss asks you, that’s, that’s actually pretty tricky.

[02:23] So we’re going to talk about that. And when, when you think about when you were competing as an athlete, I look back at my life when I was wrestling, I said no to a lot of things. I said no to a lot of things so that I could say yes to the right things. I said no to a lot of parties, a lot of things going on on Friday and Saturday nights.

[02:42] I said no to summer internships with companies to build my resume. Like so many of my classmates were doing so that I could say yes to training. So I could say yes to going to the Olympic training center. So I could say yes to developing the thing that I was most passionate about. And that was training.

[03:00] Wrestling when you were competing, you had to say no to certain things. And so you could say yes to certain things. It’s the same now in life. Only the stakes are way higher. Stakes are stakes are so much higher now because what’s at stake is it’s your life. It’s your livelihood. It’s your family. It’s your health.

[03:17] It’s your income. That’s what’s at stake. Your sanity is what’s at stake. Your marriage. Your relationships. So we’re going to talk today about the art of saying no. How do you set boundaries? How do you say no to people and to opportunities so that you can say yes to the right ones for your own success and for your own sanity.

[03:40] But before we do, before we dive in, I want to be sure to ask you to make sure you subscribe to the podcast on YouTube and or Apple podcasts and or Spotify, whatever platform you’re checking this out on, wherever platform you’re listening on, make sure you subscribe and. If you can subscribe on those other channels as well, especially YouTube, that really helps.

[03:59] We’re really starting to invest more in YouTube. So I’d love for you to go over there and subscribe on YouTube, turn on notifications so that you do get notified, you know, whenever there’s a new episode drops, you know, there’s a lot of work that goes into these. I do these for free every week. I put a lot of time, a lot of energy, a lot of research goes into each of these episodes, whether it’s a podcast, solo podcast episode, or an interview.

[04:21] I don’t run ads. Right. You listen to a lot of podcasts who run ads. I don’t listen. I don’t run ads. I hate listening to podcasts that run ads. So in exchange for not running ads, my request for you is that you subscribe on these platforms. And then also share it with a friend, with one friend, text, send a text message to one friend, or if you get this email in your inbox on Monday mornings, where I’m sending you the action plan, you don’t even have to lift a finger.

[04:45] It just shows up forward that to a friend. Hey, Joe, you might like this podcast episode, or you might want to subscribe to this guy, check it out. All right. So thank you in advance for that. All right, let’s get into the details here. How do you say no? So first. I’m going to rewind a little bit and say this, go back to episode 441, part two of five.

[05:06] There’s a five part series where we talk about vision and values. First, you have to get clear, like, what do I actually want my life to look like before I can learn how to say no to, you know, volunteering for that thing or, or meeting somebody for coffee or taking on that project. We first have to zoom out and say, what actually do I want my life to look like?

[05:28] What are you actually going to do with your time? What are you actually saying? No, four, where can you get the courage to say no? Well, whenever you have a clear vision and the underlying core values clarified, now you can have the courage to say no, because there’s no fear. Of missing out the FOMO goes away and you know, that saying no is so important because now I can say, yes, this frees me up to saying yes to other things.

[05:57] Right? So go back and get, listen to that episode, episode four 41, get clear on your vision and values. Number two is you have to also set clear goals and track those goals so that you know exactly what you’re saying yes to. And again, go back at episode four 43. This is part three of five. Okay. So part two of five is four 41 vision and values.

[06:21] Part three of five is about setting aligned goals. This is episode four 43. We’re gonna have links to both of those in the action plan, but that is part three of a five part series where you were actually setting goals. And if you get the action plan to this episode, just like those past episodes, you’ll get access to a free action plan.

[06:41] Goal tracking tool. There’s nothing like this out there. You’ve not seen anything like this before. We’ve gamified goal setting. You’re getting scores, percentage scores for each day or each month for each goal, for each category, for your overall life. I mean, it’s fascinating. If you, if you like to geek out about that kind of thing and really track your goals, you’re going to love this tool.

[07:01] We’re giving it to you for free. So make sure you get the action plan. Uh, once you get the action plan, you’ll get access to a hidden page on my website. Where you can get that tool and use that for yourself. But whenever you set the goals and then what we call micro goals, we call them micro goals in my coaching program and reveal your path.

[07:20] My clients are all setting their micro goals every single month. And you get very clear on the goals in the four different areas. And those four different areas are relationships, self health and wealth. All right. A lot of people just want to jump right into the money goals, the wealth goal, the career goals.

[07:36] That’s important. That’s great. But you have to have the other ones in place as well. But when you get clear on the goals for each of these areas, and then you have these micro goals, these are the action items for the month. Whenever you have those action items for the month, now you can say, okay, I was just offered the opportunity to take on another project, go have coffee with somebody, volunteer for such and such.

[08:00] Does that align with my vision and my values? Does that align with the goals that I have set? Is it part of my micro goals? If it is great, go for it. If not, I’m not saying you should say no right away, but you have to consider, is this the right thing to say yes to? It’s not on my micro goals. It’s not something I listed as something I want to work on this month.

[08:25] Should I be saying yes to this? Now this gets a little bit, it gets a little bit tough. You might be saying, wow, Jim, what if it’s not on my micro goals, but it’s really exciting or my boss asked me to do it or something that aligns with one of my values, something I really want to do. Well, let me give you some examples and help you figure out how to figure out if this is the right thing for you to say yes to.

[08:46] Quick interruption. If you like what you’re hearing here and you want to learn how you can implement this into your life, just go to Jim Harshaw, jr. com slash apply to see how you can get a free one on one coaching session with me. That’s Jim Harshaw, jr. com slash apply now back to the show. So first, is it in alignment with your vision, your values, your goals, your micro goals?

[09:11] If so, you have a good reason to say yes. If not. You’ve got to ask yourself some questions. So let me, let me give you an example recently. My friends asked me to do an ultra marathon with him. Bunch of guys did it in our workout group. There’s like 10 guys in Charlottesville where I live, did ultras for the first time, and actually not all of them did ultras for the first time, but there’s at least 10 guys who did them.

[09:34] So a lot of the guys were first timers and I said, no. But here’s the deal. It actually aligns with actually two of my values. It aligns with my value of being fit in my value of adventure, which I consider fun. So my values are faith, family, fit, fitness, and fun in philanthropy. And the fit part actually is not only being fit, like fitness, but also having a career, a job that fits the lifestyle that I want to live.

[10:02] So these are my core values. And obviously it aligns with two of them. The adventure sort of fun one as well as fit. But why did I say no? Because it conflicted with other values that I have, and it conflicted with other goals that I have set. Right now I have this goal around fitness and my health. I’m very clear on, on what I’m working on and what I’m doing there and staying very fit and I have some clear micro goals around that this didn’t align with those.

[10:29] And so I said, no, but here’s the deal. I didn’t say no forever. I said, not now this isn’t the right time for me and that’s okay. And listen, I would have loved to have trained with those guys, woken up early, gone on these long, crazy runs with them, especially on Saturday and Sunday mornings. They would do these long runs up in the mountains and it would be so much fun and so awesome, but it’s not the right time for me and I’m okay with that.

[10:52] Right. I’m okay with that because I’ve done the work to become okay with that. If you haven’t. If you haven’t gone back and listened to episode 441, 443, started taking action on some of this stuff, maybe sign up for a call with me. You can go to jim harshaw jr. com slash call, and I can help you talk about how this would be implemented into your life.

[11:13] If you’ve not done that, then the FOMO starts creeping in, you might start beating yourself up. See, there we go again. There’s an opportunity and I didn’t do it. I can’t do those things. I always say no to those things, or maybe you say yes to it and then you get out of balance in your life and see why, you know, why did I do that and why do I, you know, why can’t I seem to get everything in balance?

[11:30] You have to have a system. We have a system. Right. So that’s an example of how I had to say no to something recently. Here’s another one, the NCAA wrestling championships. I love going to the NCAA wrestling championships every March. If you’re a fan of March madness, this is like March madness combined, condensed into three days.

[11:53] And you’re watching eight wrestling mats at the same time on the first couple of days. And they kind of sort of reducing the mats down as guys get eliminated. It’s like watching March madness condense into three days, all happening in front of you and your mind just explodes. It’s the most fun thing ever.

[12:07] Even if you’re not a wrestling fan, a lot of wrestling fans known have gone to the NCAA wrestling. I’ve watched it and be like, Oh my gosh, this is amazing. It’s like the energy is so much fun. And not to mention the fact that I know a million people, cause I’ve been around the sport for decades and decades.

[12:19] So it’s just reconnecting with my people. It’d be so much fun for me. But I said, no, this year, now, next year, they’re in Philadelphia. I’m coming. I’m going to go next year and get back and reconnect with my people. But this year it wasn’t the right time. We have some things going on in the family and with in laws and having to move somebody and health issues and whatnot.

[12:39] So we’re dealing with some things. It didn’t make it the right time. So the FOMO, the, the bad feeling that I might normally get from saying no to that, or not being, or even saying yes to it, and then dealing with all the sort of out of balance issues that that might bring, like I didn’t have any of that.

[12:57] I, because I’m confident in my decision. When you’re confident in your decision, it feels good. It feels good to have that level of clarity of knowing that I am on my path and my path is different than your path. So saying yes to something inherently means saying no to something else. Saying yes to one thing inherently means saying no to something else, right?

[13:19] If I was at NCAAs, I would be saying no to the things that I had to get done during that week. I would be saying no to my family, no to balance, right? If I said yes to running training for the ultra marathon, I would be saying no. To the time that was invested into other things that were even more important, even more important, like that would be important for me.

[13:40] There are things that are even more important. So I had confidence in that decision. You have to understand again. No, it doesn’t mean no forever. It means not now or not yet. Right. Another way to think about this is, and you may have heard of, uh, Tim Ferris says this, but I think he got this from somebody else, but another way to think about this is to say, if it’s a hell, yeah, it’s either a hell.

[14:03] Yeah. Or it’s a no, if it’s not a hell, yeah, it’s a no, right? If it doesn’t just light you up, fire you up, get you excited. So that’s how to get clear on what are the right things to say yes to wrong things to say, you know, wrong things to say yes to. But how do you say no to a person? How do you actually say no in the moment?

[14:25] Somebody asked you to help out to volunteer to meet with them to take on this project. How do you say no? First, I’m going to give you strategically some ways to think about it. And then second, I’m going to give you some exact words that you can use. The exact words you can use to say no. So strategically, how do you say no to a person?

[14:45] Well, first of all, you have to empathize. Maybe you were asked to, you know, go to NCAA is like, I, I, you know, so obviously a lot of my friends go and I had to say no, or I had to say no to this, this ultra marathon, or if I was asked to say no to something that I really want to do or somebody who really needs me.

[15:01] And first of all, you got to empathize with them. Listen, I understand you really need help. You got to feel that empathy when you feel that empathy. The words just tend to come out right. Okay. So empathize with them, put yourself in their shoes. You know, you may even tend to feel offended. And if that’s the case, you have to say, wait a second.

[15:24] This person is asking me because they need something. They need help. They need support. And they’re, they’re asking for a reason. Empathize with them, put yourself in their shoes. So that’s number one, strategically feel what they feel. Number two. Offer an alternative, offer a different way that they could go about this, right?

[15:46] Maybe there’s somebody else that could help. Maybe there’s, they can hire somebody or there’s a tool or a technology that might help with this, like offer an alternative, offer to help them brainstorm about alternatives. Okay. So number one, empathize number two, offer alternatives. Number three, listen, don’t lie.

[16:04] Don’t lie and make something up, right? It’s just brings bad energy to the conversation. Yeah. You might get caught in that lie and it makes it even more awkward. Just like be above board and be confident and courageous. And you’re saying, and now strategically, what if it’s your boss asking you, how do you say no to your boss?

[16:25] Well, in my research for this, I came across a great Harvard business review article, and we’re going to have that linked in the action plan. And it’s three ways to say no to your boss. And the first way is, and again, this is straight from this article and we’ll have this linked in the action plan, but the first one is.

[16:43] Taking a day to think about whether the task is going to help you or hurt you. Right? So it’s a little bit tricky to say no to your boss, obviously, but say, Hey, can I get back to you in a day? Let me, let me think about this and get back to you. Or can I think about this and get back to you and then really evaluate this.

[16:58] Is this going to help you in your career goals? Is this going to help you, um, in your financial goals? Is, is this going to help you with. You know, balance at home, right? Is it going to require you just to show up early and stay late? And if so, that doesn’t mean it’s a no, it just means like, okay, I have, if I’m going to say yes, I am, I’m going to have to be willing to saying yes to showing up early and staying later or whatever that might entail.

[17:20] So ask for a day to think about it. Number two, again, in this Harvard business review article, they say, don’t just say no, explain why you’re saying no. Like give the why behind it. Give some, some, some reasons for. You’re saying why, right? Maybe you couldn’t finish it in the amount of time. Maybe you have other things going on.

[17:39] Maybe you’re traveling. Um, you don’t have the resources available. You know, you may have to put off some other things, say no to something else. Hey, sure. I’d love to do that, but, um, I would have to say no to such and such in order to do this now and get this completed, right? So you have to give reasons.

[17:54] And then the last one, again, in this article is using data, like supporting your reasoning with actual facts and data. And so going to, you know, looking at the hours that you spend, you might have to do a time audit, right? How, how many hours are you spending on, on different tasks that you do? And in being very specific with, well, I spend about this many hours a week doing this and this many hours a week doing that.

[18:18] And so this would have to fit in. I would have to maybe say no to these other things, like, like support your reasoning. With data. All right. So those are straight from this article. We’ll get, again, we’re going to link to that in the action plan. It’s a great article. And it’s certainly worthwhile reading if you’re trying to say no to your boss.

[18:33] Now, I told you I was going to give you some actual words to say. Some phrases that you can use. And I would absolutely keep these in your back pocket. You might want to write these down. You might want to print out the action plan. You might want to put these in a note on your phone because you want to have these very quick at hand.

[18:50] You want to be a, have these on the top of your mind. So whenever somebody asks you in the moment, you can respond. Here’s three different ways to say no. You could simply say. I don’t have the bandwidth right now. I don’t have the bandwidth right now. I would love to help again, empathize. Don’t lie. Right.

[19:08] You’re using the strategies offer alternatives, but like, I don’t have the bandwidth right now. Right. I understand you need this help right now. I don’t have time. I don’t have the bandwidth. That’s number one. Number two is I would love to take this on the challenges. I would have to say no to something else.

[19:24] Right. If I say yes to this, I have to find something else to say no to. And right now there’s nothing on my plate that I really want to eliminate or say no to. Right. So number one, I don’t have the bandwidth right now. Number two, if I say yes to this, I would have to say no to something else. A lot of people that, that clicks with a lot of people like, Oh, I’m actually asking this person to stop doing something.

[19:45] And it kind of clicks and they realize, okay, well, maybe, maybe I can just ask them for advice on this instead of like, uh, actually taking on the project. For example, number three is. Simply this, let me get back to you because this gives you time to think. Let me get back to boy. That sounds great. Can I get back to you?

[20:02] Can I get back to you tomorrow? That’s the, that’s the biggest one to keep in your back pocket. Can I get back to you? And it’s not awkward. It’s not hard. It’s like, Hey, let me, you know what? Can I talk to my spouse? Can I think about this? Can I get back to you? That gives you the breathing room you need to think about how to respond.

[20:18] Actually, if it, if it is to see if it actually truly aligns with your vision, your values, your goals, your micro goals, let me get back to you. And that doesn’t mean you’re saying no, that means you’re giving yourself, you’re truly giving yourself time to think about this because maybe it is a yes. So these are three different ways to say no.

[20:37] Now here’s the, here’s the catch here. You might feel like saying no is being lazy. Like, Oh, Jim, if I say no to going to the gym with my friend, that’s just me being lazy. Well, you’ll have to evaluate that. Are you being lazy? Do you need to go to the gym? Does that align with your vision, your values, your goals, your micro goals?

[21:00] Do you need to go to the gym? Right? Are you, are you, are you not fit? Are you not working out as much as you want to work out? Well, maybe you do need to say yes to going to the gym. Maybe it’s just you being lazy. Or maybe there’s an alternative for you. Maybe I don’t need to go to the gym. I just need to start walking every day or whatever that is.

[21:17] That fitness that fits your life, right? Are you being lazy? That’s your call. That’s for you to decide. Am I not? Maybe I’m just not challenging myself. I don’t want to say no. And that means I’m just not challenging myself, right? I did a Spartan half marathon last year, just a trail race. And that was a great challenge.

[21:38] I loved it. And I said, I chose to say yes to that. And, and so I love doing these physical challenges. And whenever I say no to a physical challenge, I’m like, Oh man, am I just, am I not challenging? Am I not testing myself? Am I getting soft? You know, I don’t want to get soft. So again, does it align with my vision, my values?

[21:59] Am I saying no, because I’m not challenging myself or am I saying no, because it’s just not the right time for me. It’s not the right thing to say yes to. Again, you have to do the work to figure this out. And then another one is maybe, am I, am I not being a team player? Right. Is everybody going to see me now as it is not a team player because I’m saying no to this project or helping out maybe, maybe you’re not, maybe you’re not being a team player.

[22:25] Maybe you need to step up your game and say yes, and be a team player, but your vision, your values, your goals, your micro goals. This is what’s going to tell you if you’re not being a team player, these are real considerations. Real considerations. And listen, you’re on the inside of the jar, trying to read the label, trying to figure this out by yourself.

[22:46] You shouldn’t, you shouldn’t be, you should be working with a coach, right? I’m not, I’m not saying you should be working with us, but you should be working with a coach. Like you had that in place in your life when you were competing. We know that athletes have to have this. In place in their lives so that they’re not lazy.

[23:03] They don’t get caught, not challenging themselves or not being a team player. It’s the same with you, because like I said, at the beginning of this episode, the stakes are way higher than they ever were before. So what are you going to do now? What action item are you taking from this? I want you to practice saying no.

[23:20] You know, you can, you can practice this in your car, driving down the road, practice saying no, visualize these conversations going well, and making sure that if you do say no, it’s coming from the right place. Good luck. Take action.

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